concrete roads pt.2

I live in a lie. Most of us live in a lie. Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe this is not. These (the one aforesaid in the picture) tragedies won't occur as frequently as one may notice. I guess life has just gotten a lot "drier" (that will be the righteous word) to not feel anything about what you've left behind. To not feel about incidents which might occur in the days to come. Life has just gotten drier, irrespective of the flow one gets in, irrespective of surroundings one is in. Petrichor doesn't soothe me anymore. Thoughts of me visiting Kerala to have buffalo meat and Paratha are a thing of the past. I just lay, with sore throat, with a feverish aura all around me with into no energy to stare into the books for hours. My Kindle gets charged and discharged with no one to read the pirated books I was once proud of retrieving. Ruskin bond no more makes sense. One might say... What one might say doesn't make sense. It's just me, my thoughts, a few lies in my head and a world of filth with which I'm filling my marvellous repository with. Nothing ever makes me 'that' exhilarated, though nothing holds the power to make me feel miserable. 

Subconsciously I was searching for the reference to the line I just wrote, I guess that provides a well-established portrayal of how my days are going. I see people, I hear their words, I smell hatred, I feel vengeance. I see admiration, I see perception, I see perspective and I see promises. Kept and forgotten. I see truth and I see labour. I see advantage, I see favour. I see bruises and I see flowers. I see poverty by the old rotting towers. For every bit of things that hurt me, consciously or not, a part of me becomes strong. And when it happens, I become happy. That’s where the problem starts, my otherwise dull brain starts to work in its full potential thereby resulting in emission of thoughts which takes a toll on me, my mind, my body and heart. How can something which hurt YOU make you happy? Are you a good person, at all, if you continue to be someone who gets happy with someone/something being harmed/hurt? It’s not like I have any choice, do I? This habit of me overthinking TAKES A TOLL. Makes me sad.    

Then there comes the thing with emotions known as drawbacks, essentially called পিছুটান in its truest form. Unadulterated. In this phase I am in, I have a lot of drawbacks and when I talk about it, I am always faced with one simple question confronting me. The question being, why don’t I remove the pulling force from my life and live a life without it happily ever after. Well, the answer maybe is really simple. We call it drawback and not setback necessarily as we find it difficult to remove it. If the roots of a plant are destroyed, the plant being alive doesn’t make sense. I can’t remove that, had I any option, still I’d gladly choose not to.

It's not like I have any choice, do I?