concrete roads

2018 to 2020 and 2021 to 2023. 

Have I really changed from being a lad to a boy and eventually a man? Or have I lost myself somewhere between the lines, chasing the title of the "wanna-be" Rivo in the years to come and forgetting to live the days in between?

There has been many instances of me being stranded with my phone with some time to waste and many a times I've just visited, randomly, some of my old chats, stories, etc. in Instagram (I didn't have a fb account back then) and I've started cringing over the absence of maturity in them. Just yesterday, one of my friends from school mentioned me in one of his stories in a photo that was of 2018 Pujo. I'd call that maybe my first and unfortunately my (yet) last outing of pujo with my friends. Yep you got me right. I haven't been to pandal hopping since 2018. 

Why share all these? অবশ্যই কারণ আছে। 

If i analyze myself correctly, I've many solid traits which I didn't rather couldn't change with passing time. For example, whenever i go out, I need a handybag with me. I don't know, it just comforts me, enhances my confidence. Till date. Another example is my love for hot wheels, which remains the same (or maybe somewhat increasing) from 2015 till date. Even some more examples (which are a bit personal) of me remaining constant is how I tend to perceive people, how I acknowledge them, how I react to them and how I love them, has remained same from as far as I remember. 

Then when did the change take place? What change, if at all, took place? Why do I find myself cringing over the chats from 2017? Have I changed, or have I lost a chunk of my life for nothing? I say this nothing because the way I'm heading to the destination I want to see myself in, I haven't merely crossed any milestone. So what was the point of all these now?

Where I have changed now, I feel is my approach towards the world. I've become intoxicatingly stubborn. I've run out of politeness. I've become irritable. I've become increasingly dependent over some things that don't even matter. I've changed the way I respond. I like to be under a veil whenever I'm contesting myself for anything. My world of dreams have come to an end. Reality maybe, and IS harsh. But all I have in my determination is to make possible things seem harder such that i be in such a state where I haven't completed my task or, I could, but haven't as that chore seems exceedingly easy to be a task done by me. 

Special mention: procrastination.

Overthinking really takes a toll on us, believe it or not. 

I'm sorry for the rant. I'm a bit disturbed for reasons best known to me. No sympathies, please. I just need some place to vent it all out because apparently "all sources are busy" or maybe "all outlets are so filled, that they need to be drained." I can't afford a therapy. All I can do is be grateful for this thing, that helps me drain out something which pains up my heart. Something which swells up my eyes. Something that make me dumb to not allow people in my close proximity to know a thing. 

Something, that makes people think they've encountered a psychopath playing tabla on his legs sitting by the pond where he composed "Mythic Demise."

Several thoughts linger around my head, 

Hardly can I put one in word.

Now I'm dumb listening to them all 

but to others, all remains unheard.

I'm red, blue, yellow and black

With the pain which i myself have stirred.

It's all nonsense to pontificate;

But it's all worth,  

When new lands are conquered. 

Thanks.

2019